A Servant's Heart

A Servant's Heart

Bowed before you

Humble and Thankful

Though what I do

Mucks up my soul

Impatience and Anger

Prideful and Selfish

These are worst than a tumor

For they are my heart's many blemish

You saved me from myself

I am broken and underserving

A new fire burns from within

I want to give you EVERYTHING

Torn

Torn

Torn between family

Torn between devotion

This I see daily

Its too much raw emotion

You wanted to guide me

Yet its pushing me away

I saw what I didn't want to see

Now I can't obey

Torn between family

Torn between God...

"Wisdom" of a Father

Since the beginning of this summer, I wanted a summer job. I wanted this job for two reasons: One was to earn more money than what im being paid at home and the Second was to be a little bit more independent from my parents. I honestly didn't want to rely on their help for EVERYTHING. Recently, I've been looking up summer jobs...from fast food...to Blockbuster...to working at Vons. When I had decided to work at Vons, my dad stopped me. Very abruptly. He sat me down and told me that I had my whole life ahead of me to earn money. He said that this was the time to study more at school. He then got into the many aspects of life that I didn't exactly wanted to think about in the summer time...such as COLLEGE...FUTURE CAREER...things like that. He had brought into perspective for me...

Just when he had given me things that I was actually gonna listen to...he had to pull something else: Religion. He had said that "religion was just 'guidelines' for one's life. To do good things and bad things." He had also hinted that religion should take a backseat to my studies. This was the observation of a man who had lived in the corrupt world for a much longer time than me...and of course it had influenced him as well. He lets me go to church, youth group, study bible. But he thinks of it as nothing more than a hobby.

I don't know whether to be angry or sad or what to do at this point about my dad. All i know that is i need some prayer...and God will take care of the rest.

Haircut...

Well it's not exactly a haircut...but my mom really hates my hair long...don't know why...but she wanted some of it cut...so i asked her to trim it. Yah...it's trimmed now.

A few minutes to breathe

Hey guys...sorry I haven't updated in a while. Finals were a beast! I prevailed over them though! Yes...

So summer's...well summer's not exactly feeling like summer. It doesn't feel "free", at least not yet.
I guess some of this is due to the fact that I'm at wit's end...I'm almost completely losing my mind here. My grandma, who has Alheizmers, is really making life hard for me right now. Her constant forgetting of things, short temper, and overall annoying comments are constantly badgering and testing my patience...sometimes I truly just want to lock myself in a room, plug my ears, and never come out. However...something is telling me that this is on purpose. This is one of God's tests for me, I suppose. Perhaps, He's testing me to be persevere in times of trouble. I'll never know if I don't calm down and take a few minutes to breathe. It's extremely hard for me to do this...since I've got the same short temper as the rest of my family...but if I "press on toward the goal", I will gain something more important in the long run than some moments of time to myself.

Wow, I'm freaking exhausted...

Just wrote my community service paper...yeah im a huge procrastinator...so what...:P

Still gotta study for a History test...and an English Test...

Gah...

Finals is coming up...

Gah...

Well at least summer's coming up...

Gah...

I feel crappy...happy...mad...Im feeling mappy.

One of the hardest, hitting sermons I've heard.

Tonight at youth group, Brent gave one of the hardest sermons i've heard. The topic was about the Corinthians' pride and their belief that they were so much better and different than the other Christian. And it really broke me inside because lately I have been thinking I have been better than my parents...than people that are annoying and such. God really spoke to my heart tonight...and I've realized how screwed up my life is.